Being a parent is a serious job, one that many people are not prepared to undertake. Even at the age of 28 when I gave birth to my daughter I was not completely ready. I was in a transitional state, having just decided to leave my job in the restaurant business and embark on a career in nursing. I was about to go to college again and start all over again, going to school 9-5, Monday through Friday, full-time. It was a time when I was consumed by what was going on with my studies, and my deteriorating relationship with my husband. Not the best time to be nurturing someone who looked to me for her every need. And although it was rough, I made it through that year of school. Thankful for the help of my parents and friends I met in school, I was able to graduate a very intensive program while having actually picked up some knowledge along the way.
But then came the next year of working the night shift, falling asleep while driving home (until I learned to pick up some Dunkin' Donuts to keep me awake), and falling asleep some more after getting home and trying to entertain my daughter at the same time. I wondered if I was doing her a disservice, if I was being there for her the way a mother really needed to be. Was she feeling neglected? Was she going to turn out alright? Was I doing enough for her?
And then came my late quarter life crisis. I knew I needed change in my life and was in search of the happiness that had seemed to elude me during the years of my on-again, off-again marriage. I was caught up in redefining myself and the things that were important to me personally. I was coming into a period of a new mindset that I had never explored before. There were questions swirling in my mind that I desperately needed to answer. And there was my daughter, just a toddler, who had her own very vital needs. As I grasped at straws to find answers for myself, she was also reaching out for my love and attention. Was I able to provide her with, not just her basic needs of food, clothing and shelter, but fulfill her desire to be secure and feel loved as well? "What about the long term effects on her self-esteem, confidence and self-worth?" asked my inner psychologist.
I think every parent has these concerns for their child. Parenthood is a constant balancing act between taking care of your children's needs and devoting time to yourself. I always tell people to put off having children until they have gotten to live their lives as adults. Self discovery is something that everyone needs the time and opportunity to do. And most of us don't even realize we need to do that until we've gone through some major life experiences. When we have children and/or settle down early on, it can become even harder to do that. But sometimes things happen on a different timeline than we plan for. And obviously, as in my case, even when you think you're close to the age when you're ready to have children, life can surprise you. There will always be times of change and growth, throughout each of our lifetimes. So even what seems to be the optimal time, may prove not to be. I know that many parents are also concerned about the environment in which they are raising their children. I certainly understand this and have thought about it myself. We think that it would be so much better if we could raise our kids in a nicer house, in a suburban area, if we had a better job that would allow us to afford some of the better things in life. And yes, all of those things would be great. And in striving to reach the next level in our lives, at times the essence of parenting gets lost.
I say all of this to make a point: Regardless of the circumstances we're in when we become parents, if we can find ways to take the time and instill certain basic things in our children, that foundation will carry them through life, and sustain them even during the times when we are preoccupied. The most integral thing we can do, is to do our absolute best with what we have. Infuse the moments you have with your child with as much quality as possible. There are many times when I step outside myself and say I need to be doing more. No one is perfect in life. What we all need to do is strive to do our best - be the best you possible, as an individual and as a parent. If you find yourself slipping, at least you realized it. You can take that moment to make a change and be more attentive or involved.
What really matters most is what you give your kids on a personal level - the time you spend, the games you play, the lessons you teach, the experiences you allow them to have for themselves, the wisdom you pass on, the love you show and share. More than anything else, those are the things that will shape the lives of your children. Those are the things they will be able to look back on and smile about. Those are the things that they will cherish more than anything...and they will know that all of it has molded them into the beautiful person they have become. Give your children every little bit of yourself, and they become a truer version of themselves and in turn pass it on and give every little bit of themselves to the world. They will never be afraid to shine their light, and they will illuminate the world.
